Why You’re Not Getting Happier - And What to Do About It

By Suzanne Hamil, LMSW/RSW

We all want to be happier. But what does that actually mean?

One of the biggest reasons people struggle to feel happier is because they don’t know what they’re trying to increase. “Happiness” sounds clear enough, but for most people, it’s surprisingly undefined. It becomes this vague goalpost they keep chasing without ever arriving - so they feel stuck, frustrated, or disillusioned.

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone. In fact, you’re in good company. Many people talk about wanting to “feel better” or “live a happier life,” but when asked to describe what that really looks like, they speak in vague emotions or bland metaphors. And here’s the problem: if you can’t define it, you can’t create it.

What Is Happiness, Really?

The word “happiness” gets thrown around so often that we stop questioning what it actually refers to. Is it joy? Contentment? A sense of purpose? Relief? Excitement? Peace?

It turns out, happiness isn’t just one thing. Psychologists often divide it into two broad types:

• Hedonic happiness – feeling good, experiencing pleasure, lightness, fun

• Eudaimonic happiness – a deeper sense of purpose, growth, or fulfillment

When people say they want to be happy, they usually mean some mix of both. But if you’re only reaching for quick pleasures (vacations, new stuff, distractions), you might feel good for a moment but still end up feeling disconnected or unfulfilled over time.

The key is knowing what version of happiness you are really after - and where your current life is (or isn’t) aligned with that.

Why You Might Feel Stuck

Many people feel a low-level dissatisfaction and assume there’s something wrong with them. But more often, the issue is that they’re aiming in the dark. They haven’t clarified what happiness looks like in their life, so they chase external markers of success - money, status, productivity - hoping they’ll eventually feel better.

But when happiness is undefined, the chase never ends.

You might also be using someone else’s definition of happiness - what your parents, culture, or social media says should make you happy. That disconnect can quietly drain you, even if everything “looks good” on paper.

Getting Clear: What Does Happiness Look Like for You?

Instead of chasing a blurry concept, try breaking it down into parts.

Ask yourself:

• When was the last time I felt genuinely content, peaceful, or alive?

• What kinds of moments give me energy instead of draining it?

• Which people, environments, or activities make me feel most like myself?

• What values matter most to me - and am I living in alignment with them?

Now take a closer look at what you’re truly craving. Maybe it’s not “happiness” in the traditional sense, but something more specific:

• Connection – to people who really see you

• Purpose – a sense that your efforts matter

• Freedom – to live on your own terms

• Joy – lightness, play, or beauty

• Peace – freedom from anxiety, overwhelm, or chaos

• Growth – challenge, learning, or creativity

When you name what matters most to you, you stop grasping at shallow fixes and start making intentional choices. Your time, energy, and relationships begin to reflect what actually fulfills you.

How to Start Increasing Your Happiness

Once you’ve clarified what happiness looks like for you, it becomes easier to cultivate it.

Try this:

1. Audit your life with curiosity, not judgment. Where are you aligned? Where are you compromising? Awareness is the first step toward change.

2. Make micro-adjustments. You don’t need a dramatic life overhaul. Sometimes, shifting one conversation, one habit, or one boundary creates ripple effects.

3. Invest in the right things. Choose experiences, people, and habits that support your specific happiness drivers - not just what’s trending.

4. Protect your joy. Once you find what fills you up, guard it. Don’t over-explain it. Don’t wait for others to validate it.

Final Thoughts

Happiness isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s not something you stumble across - it’s something you define.

The clearer you are about what happiness actually means to you, the more power you have to create a life that genuinely feels good. Start there. Define it. Then build toward it - intentionally, one small step at a time.

If this resonated with you, feel free to share it with someone else who might be stuck in the same fog.

And if you’re on your own path to clarity, connection, or change - I’d love to hear what happiness means to you.

About the Author:

Suzanne Hamil, LMSW, is a licensed therapist and writer who helps people get clear on what they actually want - and how to move toward it without burnout, self-betrayal, or unnecessary drama. She writes about emotional clarity, intentional living, and what it really takes to feel like yourself again.